It is definitely fall in Calgary now, lots of leaves in my backyard-in fact I was out raking them for the 2nd time yesterday and not cranky at all. I had worked all day as well as some overtime, so by the time I got home to Harley-my cute little bichon shitzu-I did not have a whole lot of daylight left but I knew from past experience that I needed to clean up those pesky leaves before old man winter drops his snowy flakes! I find it quite funny that I have no problem at all doing things without wearing the Ipod earphones that most everyone is sporting now-a-days; seems I don't have a problem with my aloneness and my thoughts whilst alone. This brings me to the message I am going to write about today.
As I was working away and totally enjoying the fall evening just before dusk set, my thoughts went back many years ago to a hard time in my life when I had left my husband. I walked out with 2 young sons who were 3 1/4 and 10 months of age. Not an easy thing to do but I knew it was the right decision for all of us. It was aprox 3-4 months after I left, and the boys and I were living in a "safe house", which consisted of about 10 apartments in a sort of huge house style apartment building. Hard to describe but I knew we were very safe there with lots of other women who were in the same circumstances and we were able to support each other. Lots of help and counselling were a part of this special place that I credit to this day.
To understand the "message" one would need to know some of my history which was very violent as a child. I grew up in the era where "children were seen and not heard" which is very hard to explain to the youth of today, but which my brothers and I lived with every day. Getting "the belt" was a regular occurrence for what we of course felt was any old offence, but a lot of our friends lived the same way so no one ever felt we were abused. In the laws of today we would of immediately been removed from the home for child abuse.
Living with my young sons in the woman's shelter was not an easy task. I was attempting to start a new life without my mate of aprox 14 years, and having never lived on my own let alone living on my own with 2 infants was a daunting task indeed. I certainly had a temper growing up the youngest of 3 with my 2 older brothers and was very used to fighting for everything, in fact I never learned that there actually was another way to do things--yelling, physical fighting and name calling is how things were handled as I grew up.
I was struggling with these 2 precious babes under these new circumstances and did not have the patience that I should of- what with trying to keep my youngest from keeping the whole building awake with his screaming, and with my oldest son misbehaving for most likely some minor issue. I should have had more patience but I didn't and I had a horrible day with the oldest one and I certainly believe I was rougher with him than I should have been-most likely on the verge of being abusive. I was most angry with him when I put him to bed and finally I was able to fall exhausted to sleep when I had the most vivid dream I have ever had in my life...I call it my "message"-from God? Who knows for sure, but that is what I firmly believe it to be. In my dream I was mad at my oldest son in his bedroom. It had 2 beds with an end table between them and I threw him hard and he flew across the room sliding on the floor-probably around 8-10 feet- to the end table which he hit his head on and then lay still-unconscious -but I thought dead. In my dream I ran to him as I thought I had killed him and held him and then I woke up. I can't now remember what I did next but I do know that this dream forever changed me and how I dealt with my anger with my children. It did not get easier raising them alone, but I knew I could not physically hurt my boys at all and still to this day I believe this was a message from God to me to save my children and myself from "myself". I believe that I was on a downward spiral at the time and did not know how to cope with all the tough changes happening and was doing what I knew how to do best which was not good enough at all. Funny, as I am not a hugely religious person at all but I do believe in God and have thanked Him many times. Every now and then as the years have passed I have thought of this dream and the huge change it made in my life and am so thankful that I acted immediately and changed my behaviour, and I am so grateful for having had the dream or as I have called it "the MESSAGE".
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
A Time for Reflection
Today we are celebrating Canadian Thanksgiving-it is actually tomorrow Oct 13 but we are doing the big turkey meal with family and friends today.
So many things have happened this past year it is hard to find enough words for everything.
Last year around this time I found out my youngest son was moving from my home in Calgary all away across the country to Ontario---and I was totally devastated! Words cannot describe how I felt as we have become quite close the past few years. I sucked it up (as I had no choice in the matter), counselled as best I could with the job situation back east and his father's cancer and sent him on his way in Jan /08 with his girlfriend. My eldest son Matthew was also quite stricken and I still choke up when I remember what he wrote on Facebook about Marc leaving.
They had barely been gone a month when their father(my ex-husband) passed away after a long battle with cancer. Marc did not want to see him dieing in the hospital, so did not come until I brought him home for the funeral. Was a hard time for my boys for sure but they were able to reconnect with some of their family that they had not seen for awile.
Tymon flew up from Seattle area with one of his boys Jett to attend his grandpa's funeral, as well as their 1/2 brother Stan Jr and 1/2 sister Lynn who actually live in Calgary, and Lyndon(nephew) but they never see. Funny history...my boys are actually Tymon's and Lyndon's Uncles-but they are a lot younger!
Marc and his girlfriend decided to move back to Calgary(yup-one happy mama!)
My boys did a road trip this summer and stayed with Tymon's family in the Seattle area.
My good friends split up after 16 years of marriage.
I broke my foot and spent the summer on crutches.
Our wonderful, faithful, loyal terripoo-Ricoh whom we have had since he was 3 months old had to be put down on Aug 29 at 15 3/4 years old...the day before Marc's 20th birthday. Matthew and Marc were with me during the tough time at the vet and they took charge and brought Ricoh home and he is now buried in a wonderful spot in our backyard.
Then our very own Tymon loses his 15 month old son Evan on Sept 23. We went to the funeral and cried alongside the rest of the family, but then we all got together in the evening for what I feel was the start of healing time for everyone. I got to see people whom I have known since they were little children and whom I still consider my family even though I have been divorced for 19 years and have not personally seen them for years or met their families(exception being Tymon and Jett, and of course Lyndon).I was blown away when I was welcomed into their homes and I felt they still consider me a Johns. At Evan's funeral it was the first time in the 4 years since I changed my name back to my maiden name that I wished it was still the same.
Bridget and Tymon's new baby girl was born days later on Mon Sept 29 and we all rejoiced.
I want my boys to reconnect with their direct family so I figured the only way this is going to happen is if I do something about it--that is why we are having the "big" dinner......(hey-the best layed plans tend to fall apart!) My oldest son is in Saskatchewan with his girlfriend...but I will be doing this again soon.
So, that is my reflection of the past year...some bad times and some good times all mixed in. We recently got to see Sir Elton John, and Neil Diamond in the famous Calgary Saddledome. I got to see Martina McBride and Johnny Reid(saw him twice!), and this upcoming week we are going to see David Copperfield.
So, I have so much to be thankful for, but most especially for my family.
So many things have happened this past year it is hard to find enough words for everything.
Last year around this time I found out my youngest son was moving from my home in Calgary all away across the country to Ontario---and I was totally devastated! Words cannot describe how I felt as we have become quite close the past few years. I sucked it up (as I had no choice in the matter), counselled as best I could with the job situation back east and his father's cancer and sent him on his way in Jan /08 with his girlfriend. My eldest son Matthew was also quite stricken and I still choke up when I remember what he wrote on Facebook about Marc leaving.
They had barely been gone a month when their father(my ex-husband) passed away after a long battle with cancer. Marc did not want to see him dieing in the hospital, so did not come until I brought him home for the funeral. Was a hard time for my boys for sure but they were able to reconnect with some of their family that they had not seen for awile.
Tymon flew up from Seattle area with one of his boys Jett to attend his grandpa's funeral, as well as their 1/2 brother Stan Jr and 1/2 sister Lynn who actually live in Calgary, and Lyndon(nephew) but they never see. Funny history...my boys are actually Tymon's and Lyndon's Uncles-but they are a lot younger!
Marc and his girlfriend decided to move back to Calgary(yup-one happy mama!)
My boys did a road trip this summer and stayed with Tymon's family in the Seattle area.
My good friends split up after 16 years of marriage.
I broke my foot and spent the summer on crutches.
Our wonderful, faithful, loyal terripoo-Ricoh whom we have had since he was 3 months old had to be put down on Aug 29 at 15 3/4 years old...the day before Marc's 20th birthday. Matthew and Marc were with me during the tough time at the vet and they took charge and brought Ricoh home and he is now buried in a wonderful spot in our backyard.
Then our very own Tymon loses his 15 month old son Evan on Sept 23. We went to the funeral and cried alongside the rest of the family, but then we all got together in the evening for what I feel was the start of healing time for everyone. I got to see people whom I have known since they were little children and whom I still consider my family even though I have been divorced for 19 years and have not personally seen them for years or met their families(exception being Tymon and Jett, and of course Lyndon).I was blown away when I was welcomed into their homes and I felt they still consider me a Johns. At Evan's funeral it was the first time in the 4 years since I changed my name back to my maiden name that I wished it was still the same.
Bridget and Tymon's new baby girl was born days later on Mon Sept 29 and we all rejoiced.
I want my boys to reconnect with their direct family so I figured the only way this is going to happen is if I do something about it--that is why we are having the "big" dinner......(hey-the best layed plans tend to fall apart!) My oldest son is in Saskatchewan with his girlfriend...but I will be doing this again soon.
So, that is my reflection of the past year...some bad times and some good times all mixed in. We recently got to see Sir Elton John, and Neil Diamond in the famous Calgary Saddledome. I got to see Martina McBride and Johnny Reid(saw him twice!), and this upcoming week we are going to see David Copperfield.
So, I have so much to be thankful for, but most especially for my family.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Jobs
Well, I have been thinking hard---what exactly do I want to put on a blog? The answer is...I don't really know. Since my babies are young men now I don't have all the fun and cutesy things to write about anymore(although they are very humorous so I shall be commenting on their remarks occasionally!)
So today I was thinking about all the different jobs I have had since a teenager and wondered if everyone has had as many as I did, although I find it hard to believe anyone has(except for my one girlfriend whom I think holds the world record!)
I shall try to keep them somewhat in order starting with the ole babysitting one every girl seemed to do for money when I was young (in Victoria, B.C.). Remembering the .25 an hour was fun when one compares it to today's going rate of upwards $5-$6 an hour--maybe even much higher now as I have been out of it for years. I guess it must be all relative though it certainly does not seem to be. I remember one family screwing me majorly by paying me $2.25 for watching their 3 kids for almost a solid 24 hours. Boy was my mom mad!! I didn't have the guts to say anything at the time, I just remember looking down at the money and thinking how little it was. I did get sent back to them by my mother and did receive a pittance more but not much. Needless to say-they lost their babysitter after that episode.
My first real job (also in Victoria) was working at a car wash as a car cleaner and cashier. Whew...the lessons learned at that job were unbelievable! It was a car wash like the old Rocket one on MacLeod Trail in Calgary where your car is cleaned inside by staff and outside by the large roller type deck mops. When you came out of the car wash you(staff) had to drive the car into one of two long bays that had huge posts along the center. Since I was my mother's daughter-having a drivers licence was out of the question-BUT I did know how to drive(HAH!). That is why wrapping the car around the post was just something I did not expect.My soon to be first real boyfriend managed to salvage things with only scratches costing about $125.00..got to remember this was aprox 1972. I was in grade 11 at the time with a really neat teacher and a great course about Canadian law and our rights---which has helped me SO MUCH over the years.At the car wash I was then sent to being a cashier and sometimes had extra money in the till-.25 or .50 and one time had less money in the till-about $1.25. My wonderful jerky boss figured that it was my responsibility to pay any underage and to charge me for the damaged car. This is when the awesome teacher gave great advice as he was so darn knowledgeable on Canadian law.My boss backed off big time when presented with my new found info and confidence and had to suck up my mistakes.(sorry boss). I do remember my first real job paying me $1.35 an hour and I felt rich....until I saw the job at Woolco in the Town N Country Mall that payed more. So off I went. to be continued.
So today I was thinking about all the different jobs I have had since a teenager and wondered if everyone has had as many as I did, although I find it hard to believe anyone has(except for my one girlfriend whom I think holds the world record!)
I shall try to keep them somewhat in order starting with the ole babysitting one every girl seemed to do for money when I was young (in Victoria, B.C.). Remembering the .25 an hour was fun when one compares it to today's going rate of upwards $5-$6 an hour--maybe even much higher now as I have been out of it for years. I guess it must be all relative though it certainly does not seem to be. I remember one family screwing me majorly by paying me $2.25 for watching their 3 kids for almost a solid 24 hours. Boy was my mom mad!! I didn't have the guts to say anything at the time, I just remember looking down at the money and thinking how little it was. I did get sent back to them by my mother and did receive a pittance more but not much. Needless to say-they lost their babysitter after that episode.
My first real job (also in Victoria) was working at a car wash as a car cleaner and cashier. Whew...the lessons learned at that job were unbelievable! It was a car wash like the old Rocket one on MacLeod Trail in Calgary where your car is cleaned inside by staff and outside by the large roller type deck mops. When you came out of the car wash you(staff) had to drive the car into one of two long bays that had huge posts along the center. Since I was my mother's daughter-having a drivers licence was out of the question-BUT I did know how to drive(HAH!). That is why wrapping the car around the post was just something I did not expect.My soon to be first real boyfriend managed to salvage things with only scratches costing about $125.00..got to remember this was aprox 1972. I was in grade 11 at the time with a really neat teacher and a great course about Canadian law and our rights---which has helped me SO MUCH over the years.At the car wash I was then sent to being a cashier and sometimes had extra money in the till-.25 or .50 and one time had less money in the till-about $1.25. My wonderful jerky boss figured that it was my responsibility to pay any underage and to charge me for the damaged car. This is when the awesome teacher gave great advice as he was so darn knowledgeable on Canadian law.My boss backed off big time when presented with my new found info and confidence and had to suck up my mistakes.(sorry boss). I do remember my first real job paying me $1.35 an hour and I felt rich....until I saw the job at Woolco in the Town N Country Mall that payed more. So off I went. to be continued.
Friday, October 3, 2008
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